Well, not in a terribly drastic way, but I have been wanting to as a token of mourning for months now and yet was reluctant to go to the shop.

In a fierce rush last night after having a very intense astrological reading done, I took the barber shears to my hair and cut 14 inches off my bangs.  The night before, I had taken six inches off the bottom of my ponytail, just to even it out. It is still to my lower back.

I feel okay with it for now and somehow a little freer, as if I removed some old "stuff" out of my aura that was dwelling in the last inches of my hair from way back.  I hadn't cut my bangs in about three years.

Here I am:

Thursday night at a couple of minutes to 10:00pm, I got a phone call from a Private Caller. I was thinking it must be a wrong number, or a weird telemarketer, because I could tell it was a long distance call (there was a hollowness to it) and the man had a foreign accent I usually associate with India and that area. Besides, no one ever calls me that late.

The first thing he asked was if I do energy work. I quirked an eyebrow.

Me: "Yes."

Caller: "What kind?"

Me: "I'm trained in Reiki, Chios and Healing Touch."

Caller: "Yes... my name is Daniche (sp) *something*...I am from Tibet."

Me: "Did you realize it's 10:00 at night?"

Caller: offguard: "Oh, it is 9 in the morning, here."

Caller: "Your number came to me in a meditation."

Me: "Oh, that's interesting." I'm thinking, 'WTF? OK, hear him out.'

Caller: "Yes, this will be a good year for you. What year were you born?"

Me: "1963."

Caller: "Have you gained or lost a lot of weight in the last six months?"

Me: "Yes, I've lost about sixty pounds."

Caller: "What do you weigh now?"

Me: I told him what I weighed, wondering what that had to do with the price of tea in India, or wherever Daniche was calling from.

Caller: "Yes, yes. You have blocks in your first and second chakras, did you know that? You are emerging from a difficult time."

Me: "Yes, I was widowed this spring."

Caller: "Yes, yes. What year were you born?"

Me: Repeating myself... "1963."

Caller: "Oh, yes. This will be a good year for you. You need to work on those blocks. You are going to be opening a healing center."

We talked for a few minutes more, and I wish I'd written down all of it, but I was pretty weirded out by the whole thing as I've had some strange experiences, but this tops them. I asked him again what his name was, and he repeated (phonetic) DA NISCH *something unintelligible*. He never asked my name or any personal details besides what I mentioned. Was very polite, if a little stressed sounding. I am not sure English was a natural way of speaking for him. He wished me well and kept repeating "This will be a good year for you."

After the call ended I called my friend Mary and talked with her a bit about it, and she was as mystified as I am. We talked about the different calendar they are on, and the likelihood that he was somewhere like India rather than Tibet because of phone accessiblity, particularly a private phone, and looking on a world calendar, the time differential fit for that area. She has made a couple of fairly long trips to India. She sounded a little jealous, which I should have expected, as she'd eat lunch for years on a call like this. As you may or may not know, my phone number is a VOIP, so it is not in a directory, online or off, and I give it to very few people. I haven't even passed out any of my new cards with it on them.

It wasn't until later last night, when I was in a chat about Mercury Retrograde, that I realized we've just gone into MR, and it ends *on my birthday* next month, on the full moon, October 14th. So I am thinking, the year he was talking about begins on my birthday, my 45th year. I know that Mani's death and my emotional turmoil has likely caused issues with my unsettled root and sacral chakras (feelings of security, sexuality, creativity, emotions, etc.)
So as of today I'm pulling back from the personals stuff to focus on my energy centers and spend more time every day meditating. I don't understand it, but there's something about this that smells right even to my wary left brain, so I'm going with it.

Thank you Daniche, whoever, and wherever, you are.

I wonder if it's a message from Mani. That would be the sort of thing he would do, give my phone number to a Tibetan monk or whatever he is.

x-posted from my LJ and MySpace (note this call came a week ago now) The photo has nothing to do with anything, except that it is what I was thinking about when I was talking to Daniche. I'm told that Tibetan Buddhists do spend some time conversing with discarnate spirits and passing messages back and forth. Any information about that would be helpful.  But I'm cool with the experience as it sits, I don't have to pull a feather out to recognize an angel.

I tried (and failed) to post a link to my Twitter account in my blog the other day...

At any rate, I am doggedly attempting to do it again ;-)

If you have Twitter and you'd like to follow me, I am carocrow there, as I am at MySpace, LiveJournal, Skype and AIM.  Oh, and if you belong to BlogTalk Radio, I am carocrow there as well.

I don't think this site has the capability to embed any gadgets yet.

I have been expanding my circle on MySpace to include more intuitives, psychics and paranormalists.  The small area group we are in the process of developing for paranormal research is having a meeting in a week and I am excited about that; one of the members is a young clairvoyant medium I have interfaced with on BlogTalk Radio as he has a show there and guests on others.

In my attending several shows there I made contact with some old friends who have moved from SC to AZ; one, Buck, is a paranormal researcher, and his partner, Michael, is a spiritual musician who also has a show on BTR.  We are talking about his having me on as a guest soon to his one hour show which is formatted to include brief periods of talk between pieces of music and call ins, depending on the subject.

All of this has made me consider the idea of doing my own show, probably late night, on spiritual and paranormal matters, maybe taking short calls for questions or readings. I am playing with it right now but the concept feels good. I got a phone call recently that I have posted about in my LJ and MySpace and I will also post about it here and see if I get any feedback. Things are moving. Though I am still mourning, I am beginning to feel more energy and hope, more creativity as ideas come to me.

I had an interesting episode recently... well, I call it interesting now, I didn't at the time... my house that is being renovated was robbed.  The things that seem to have been taken are all the food in my freezer, my french easel and some of my art supplies, some small appliances and a few other things. The thing that amazes me the most about it is, I was only briefly angry, and didn't feel any urgency about pursuing the criminal(s), whom I am pretty sure are adolescents. My thought has been that they needed those things, and I was storing them, so I am going to call them an unintended gift and release them to the universe with the caveat that I hope any of my energy in the items helps them evolve.

The new metal meditating lady I got from chunkEbusiness is clipped to my laptop to remind me about presence and mindfulness even when I am online. I think she is helping ;-)

So here I am, four months out of the experience that has made me a widow.  As if to generate extra energy for the event, Gustav blew through and I had some strong memories of three years ago, sitting with my husband as we watched Katrina, and then Rita, work the shadow magic of Nature on our area.  I was alone this time, and thankfully, except for some small debris and a day and a half of power outage, I came out fine.

It was hard to be alone, though.

I had made plans to take a healing workshop in south LA this last weekend, which was obviously canceled, so I will have to reschedule that.  I'm working on getting CE's so I can relicense, in view of next year and rousing myself from the place I've been as caregiver to becoming breadwinner again.

I was sad to discover by email that Gaiam has had layoffs, and at least one of my friends here was directly affected by that.  Much love and peace to those who are seeking employment again, unexpectedly, in a new place.  My concern is with you.  I hope your trial is short and your search is swiftly productive.

I have been thinking a lot about my work as a healer, as I heal within myself.  I manifested a new name for my business, that nascent entity that has not evolved yet except in my mind and heart... it will be called "Glow Within".  As I think I have posted, I have roused my MI page again and am available for remote medical intuition sessions and other readings. Gradually I hope as I get more table time myself to set up a space where I can work directly on clients again. 

Walking in Beauty and seeking Understanding...

Oh, and I bought a new hat.  I've been struggling with a new way of eating (mostly high protein, high fiber, low carb and low glycemic index) and since I was placed on Glucophage in March I have lost over 60 pounds. I haven't made an effort to do so. My goals now include moving more, and I plan to get a tricycle with a basket to shop with.

Greetings, my Gaia friends.

It's been nearly four months now since my life partner slipped out of his shell and moved on. I have been processing in a serpentine way (nobody tells you that deep Grief is not linear; it is something you discover for yourself, to my chagrin).

However, I have had some dreams, sleeping with a chunk of Apache Tear under my pillow, that have given me some peace of mind and heart, and have motivated me to stir and begin my new life.

I've relinked the page for my Medical Intuitive readings; it is http://www.geocities.com/nrgbalance/mireadings.htm if you are interested in reading more.

I've also surrounded myself with a lot of art supplies, and I'm retaking the basic Healing Touch workshop this weekend with a friend in south Louisiana.  I used to teach Level I, but had to drop my certs when I started caregiving Mani. Now I am curious about any changes in the curriculum, and thinking of recertifying to teach again. I can also use some table time, it has been far too long since I've had energy work.

When I get back I want to make contact with the local massage therapists and see if I can find myself a good "fit" so that I can get regular work done, which is not a luxury but a need when you have a chronic pain disorder.

For a few weeks I found myself very lonely, and looking around in a sort of desperation for company, companionship.  The Big U has been sensible in preventing me from getting into something I'm not ready for.  I'm glad for that.  This really needs to be a nurturing and growth time for me, to get back in touch with the Beloved and discover what this mid-life re-do is all about, why here, why now. 

Walk in Beauty, my friends. "See" you soon.

It's been about two and a half months now since Mani went away.  I have been to MA and back, and have started to feel again, which can't help but be a good thing, I was numb for a while and I didn't like that.

Certainly, there is some pain, but I would rather feel honest pain than nothing.

What has helped was that on his birthday, the day I began my journey to MA with his aunt and uncle, he began to speak to me, or at least respond to my internal railing, and it helped. I don't worry about him as much, I know he is content, that he has moved on, that he is past the stuff that was dragging him down here. I imagine I will still feel the need now and then to "check in" with him, but my grief has lightened so immeasurably I can't explain it.

So I'm reevaluating and thinking I need to interface more with other human beings, because being "shut in" has reduced my capacity to be the person I know I am, happy, outgoing and loving on life and nature. I think I'll finally get a chance to look in on those pods I've joined, and stretch my mind wings, let some fresh air circulate through my heart.

My beautiful, sweet husband left his body behind on May 1st.  I was with him, praying with the chaplain, holding his hand with my other hand over his heart... I could feel his heart slowing down as he slipped away.

I don't think I have ever, ever experienced anything that ravaged my soul like this before. I wanted to let my friends here know why I have been out of pocket, and why I might be yet away for a while as I'm getting my head together since it can't seem to wrap around the enormity of this.

We were best friends for eleven years, and would have celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary in June. He asked to be cremated, so I'm taking his ashes up next month to MA, to the beach where we married, and scattering them with family and friends.

After a long illness, progressive weakness, widespread pain and being so tired, my dear one has shed his mortal shell and gone ahead without me. I pray that he is comfortable, warm, happy, strong and full of joy, and that one day I will hold him in my arms again.

I am seeing a lot of FEAR accompanying the transition from Zaadz to Gaia.  People are unsettled and do not feel secure.  Change does that, stirs up the mud under the water, so that we can't see very far, and our heart goes crazy, wondering what is in the foggy depths.

We jump at shadows, and we extrapolate to support our anxieties.

What we should be doing is breathing. Breathing deeply, inhaling light and peace and exhaling the jittery paranoias that are associated with something new and unknown.  Most importantly, we need to recognize FEAR for what it is...

FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL

Once we get past the glamour of whatever we fear, and see it for what it is (remember the boggarts in Harry Potter?) we can deflate our misguided feelings and think with better rationality and kindness.  Gaia is not the boogie man, the big bad wolf, the corporate monster under the bed.  They want, hopefully, what we want, and that is success in changing the world for the better. 

We can help do that, if we hold hands and wait until the mud settles so we can see where we're going once again and proceed together.

I am not a hard woman
but I am a tough woman
firm and resilient
steadfast

Like leather
not like stone

I have been submerged
pissed on and beaten
chewed and stretched out
scraped

These are the things
that have made me softer
given me suppleness
I do not regret them

But now I am complete
I am what I am

So I do not welcome
anything that sullies me
anyone that mishandles me

I am a tough woman
perfect the way I am
worthy of the highest honor

And so I command it.

© RCA, 2008